Epic Yarns from Beyond the Horizon. The Petite Collection. Volume I. Read online

Epic Yarns from Beyond the Horizon. The Petite Collection. Volume I.

  By Oleg Medvedkov

  Copyright 2012 Oleg Medvedkov

  This is my fist published collection of short stories. Hope you'll enjoy them. If you like them, post a review or Tweet at me @FunnyIHate, I'd love to hear from you!

  Table of Contents

  Review of the Bible.

  Why I want to conquer Paris.

  The Time Machine.

  What to do if you lose your hamster - CIA Manual.

  Green Pants.

  Roman Tweet.

  Samurai's Confessions. New Reality TV Show.

  Review of the Bible.

  First of all I am rather perplexed - was the book authored by one person or is it a collective effort? Secondly, the structure of the plot is somewhat confusing. Seems that book is setting up a fantasy universe, in the stead of J. R. R. Tolkien. That conjecture might explain multiple side-quests and through treatment of seemingly secondary characters. It would also explain considerable magic powers of main hero. At some point he even gets resurrected. That rarely happens in similar fantasy works, with the exception of Gandalf.

  Other things of note:

  1. Too many protagonists and minor characters. Even George R. R. Martin is able to do with less.

  2. Bears. They seem to pop up once in awhile but are completely mischaracterized, and dare I say, misunderstood.

  3. The father of main hero. In first part of the Duology (I suspect it is a Duology but I might be wrong) his character seems rather infantile and set on revenge for petty acts of disobedience. In second part, he seemed to have mellowed out but author(s) do not explain what caused this remarkable change.

  4. I personally like chapter on Great Flood. While other critics focused on non-essentials (for example, how can you fit that many animals on a ship, never mind feeding them), I feel that clear prose more than makes up for any plot flaws.

  5. Complete absence of any uplifting gay or feminist characters. I suspect that omission was done on purpose, as a critique of modern fantasy literature that also glaringly ignores gays and feminists. If that is the case, Bravo!

  6. Main hero appears only in the second part of the Duology. I have an issue with the fact that his story is repeated four times. I understand the desire for post-modernist treatment of the narrative but surely, repeating his story twice would have been sufficient.

  7. Lack of Editing. The book could have been cut in two and be better for it.

  8. Promise of a sequel. There is a suggestion, at the end, that main hero will have further adventures. However patient readers been waiting for 2000 years for new volumes and nothing is out yet. Perhaps this Christmas.

  ***

  Why I want to conquer Paris.

  A lot of my loyal blog readers, Twitter Followers and even members of Royal Household (who should really know better, I am looking at you, Wife #17) ask me "Why do you want to conquer Paris"? Well, this is your lucky day. Atilla will explain it all.

  First of all - it is there. Standing proudly unconquered for more than 16 weeks. People who know me, know that I like to pillage cities break records. I am a winner and I will not apologize for that. In fact I do my best not to apologize at all - period. That's why I push myself to crush bigger and better things. And according to anybody who is left alive and talks to me, I am the best at it. BUT! I cannot sit on laurels. Not that I sit on vegetation often, unless that one time when I sat on King of Denmark (Wife #22 know what I am talking about, that was one awesome weekend, Sweetoms, thank you!). Hehe. Enough with jests, otherwise I'll have no need for court jester. Now that I think about... Perhaps it is time to cut costs. By one head. Ok, ok. This blog post is about why I want Paris and all that.

  Reason Number Two. I want to move Papacy from Rome to Paris. No political reason, it just feels right. Don't ask me why, but being in Paris with Roman Pope, attending one of these Papal' orgies dinners (do you see what I did there?), is so very romantic. And as all of my 450 wives agree on, is that I am an incurable romantic. Though being a hypochondriac, I am wary of things that are incurable. Note to myself - ask little women to come up with better term of endearment for me.

  OK. Reason Number Four. No, wait. Reason Number Three. Gravity. From what three remaining monks in Europe tell me, gravity in Paris is much lighter. Now, I do not trust anything that wears a robe and is not a house cook but I'll give them a benefit of a doubt. Well, that should cover main reasons. If any of you Tweeps have other ideas on why we should take Paris, please keep them to yourselves. I like things to be simple. Cheers and stay frosty!

  ***

  The Time Machine.

  Now. Let's just all calm down. OK? Let's lower our laser guns and talk it over. Like adults. Good, thank you.

  I'll be first to admit - mistakes were made. When we found the time machine, we all thought it would be awesome. The things we can do. Even Frankey 'Five Fingers' was on board if I remember. His exact phrase was "Fellers, I want to push dis button, can I?" Good times.

  Now let's trace back the timeline and see what went wrong. First, nobody knew we actually had to know quantum physics to operate the damn thing. When antimatter started spraying all around like a broken garden hose and Colleen Ten Toes disappeared into thin air, we knew something needed to be done. So, as all reasonable adults do, we voted that Frankey will go to college and learn quantum physics. Frankey protested a bit but we promised him free iPhone knock-off and he said yes. Second, we waited for 6 years for Frankey to come back and explain to us how to use the machine. So far so good. Right?

  Now Johnny Dee - don't shout, I can hear you perfectly well mate, ok? I am not going to get into the whole 'nano-aliens invading your kitchen' bit. Let's be as objective as possible, it was your fault. You took that levitating silver box thingy out of the machine, brought it to your house and started hitting it with a hummer. Come on Johnny, stop waiving that laser gun, you know it is true. And you also know that invasion would have succeeded if it weren't for that pepper spray that you inherited from your grandmother. Who knew superior yet tiny beings can succumb to pepper? Live and learn, that's what I always say.

  Now, where was I? Yes, Frankie came back with PhD in Physics and explained to us that time travel is impossible. When we reminded him about a time machine, he told us that Einstein cannot be wrong. So, as all reasonable adults do, we got him drunk on Blueberry Gin and locked him in time machine. Hehe. Frankie did not like this, did he? Now, now Frankie, I apologize mate, you know we meant well and, up to a point, it worked out, didn't it? Frankie, being a trained scientist by that point figured out how to operate the time machine. It was very good of you Frankie.

  Now, that brings us to Point Number 3. Acquiring nuclear rods. Personally I hate that everything that is cool or futuristic runs on Nuclear Fuel. Not that I am Pro-Green or anything, it is just so HARD to get this stuff. Good thing we knew Ivan from 'Smirnoff and Sons' bakery. A very helpful Russian. He got us what we needed for almost nothing. Seriously guys, you know that there is no serious purpose in having TWO kidneys. Yes, yes, technically each of us is a kidney short. Plus 150 random strangers who, ahh, volunteered their kidneys as well BUT we got nuclear rods. Let's look at as problem solved, all right? As clear cut win for the good guys as I ever saw.

  And so to the last point. Actual time travel. I am sorry we had to leave Mikey No Name behind. If you recall, the situation was very stressful. Vikings were running after us, intend on murder and Mikey was just too slow. I am sorry but he was. NO! It might have looked like I kicked Mikey in the directi
on of said Vikings to slow them down but in reality it is all about aerodynamics. When you run very fast, carrying loot stolen from Vikings, your legs tend to flap around. When your legs flap around, people 10 feet in front of you get kicked. Seriously guys, pick up a book once in awhile. You might learn something. So, we can all agree, nobody is at fault, really. State of flux and all that. OK. Bygones be bygones, that's what Mikey would have said. He also would have liked us to figure out how to get out of this Pyramid with the whole Pharaoh's Army waiting outside. Ideas?

  ***

  What to do if you lose your hamster - CIA Manual.

  First thing to do when you lose you hamster in underground CIA facility is to calm down. Yes, there are literally thousand things that can kill your hamster. Laser tripped alarms, autonomous robots that will machine gun anything that they do not recognize, booby traps that shoot acid, the lot.

  So, being a trained agent, you need to focus first. What would YOU do if you were a hamster on the run? Try not to think CIA, think Hamster. Put that PDA down. Hamsters do not use PDAs. Try to remember where was the last place you saw your hamster. Let's say it was the Armory. Bring Armory schematics on Holographic Screen. How many exits lead to and from the Armory? Again - think Hamster. Just three? Good. How many of them are protected by a weapon with a silly acronym? All three. Excellent.

  Because, remember, with Hamster on the loose, you are very vulnerable. Enemy agents and subversives live for this moment. To catch us looking for our Hamsters and attack ruthlessly. So walking and looking for your hamster is out of question. You need to stay in Operation's Room, sit tight, and control your environment. With flying killer drones.

  IMPORTANT! Use room sized flying killer drones. In 2009 a novice agent tried to look for his hamster with Predator; needless to say it got rather messy.

  Next, you need to call for backup. With killer drones deployed, you are effectively out of weapons. So you need all the help you can get. Place a call to your local Station Chief or call directly to Langley.

  IMPORTANT! Do not request help of other law enforcement agencies or Armed Forces. These wasters of tax-payers money never understood the importance of Hamster-related emergencies. Ask them for help ONLY if you are under enemy attack.

  Last point - Make sure never call FBI for help, even if you are under attack, down to last bullet in your Glock and a badly dressed, bearded fellow is aiming oversized RPG at you. We'd rather lose all of our hamsters than ask these cross-dressers for help.

  That concludes 'Hamster on the loose' briefing. Next chapter will tackle the all important issue of accidentally misplaced suitcase nukes.

  ***

  Green Pants.

  Before I take your questions, please let me make an opening statement. To explain what's going on. Now, I know what Sam, my neighbor is going to say. Sam will tell you that green pants were technically on his land. Don't believe him. He is a registered Rastafarian and donates to Salvation Navy every leap year. A wholly despicable fellow.

  Here is what really happened. I woke up rather early that day. It was Tuesday, I think. Maybe Friday. I know it was either F. or T. weekday, that's for sure. I went to kitchen to get my usual 3 PM snack, and yes, it was that early, and what do I see out of my glass-less window? A perfectly good green pants, laying on my neighbo, I mean on my yard. Right by that spot there Cherry Tree used to be. No, a bit to the left.

  Yes, fellows, you can take pictures and stuff. OK. So, being a taxpaying citizen, I told myself "Son" for I always call myself Son when there is an emergency, "Son, you need to check what's with them pants".

  Oh, I forgot to mention that green pants were levitating, about 1.5 feet above the ground. I was pretty surprised, let me tell you. First I thought that maybe I overdid on my Vitamin stack, but no, green pants WERE levitating. So I rushed outside, and I remember thinking absolutely nothing. I was that surprised.

  I got to the pants right before Sam came out and he started shouting something. No, I do not remember what he said. Probably his usual 'Join me, together we will rule the Galaxy' stuff. Sam is either high most of the time or watches 'Star Wars'. So, as I was saying, I grabbed the pants and rushed into my house. Locked the door and everything.

  So I am sitting and thinking. 'These pants probably belong to someone. Someone who can make things levitate'. And it hit me, of course! Only Government or Google will have enough money and the know-how to construct green, levitating pants. So, I go on Google, and Google "Google AND Green Pants". Nothing. OK, I am an experienced hand at using Search Filters. So I type in the Google "Google AND Green Levitating Pants". Again, nothing. That got me thinking, maybe Google is covering things up. So I Google "Google's Green Levitating Pants Cover Up". NOTHING! And it hit me, of course! That is very clever of Google. So I decided to use reverse psychology "Google NOT trying to Cover Up Loss of Green Levitating Pants".

  And floodgates have opened, let me tell you that, my friends. 78 million search results. All of them from Google Labs, Secret Pants Division. All about Project 'PXNT' and internal memos and schematics and videos of people in green pants trying to lift heavy things.

  Now, I did not want any reward for doing my civic duty, returning green levitating pants to multi-billion corporation. Seriously, anybody who says otherwise is lying. Google just happened, on that very day, offer me a job as a Vice-President in Digital Clothing Department. For which I am eminently suited, what with using clothing for over 30 years and Google for 12. Now, as you can see, my time is very limited, what with being an executive and all, so let's start with your questions.

  ***

  Roman Tweet.

  "I don't usually go to Forum. It is way too far and there is no easy way to get there. So I don't go, wanna fight about it?"

  When we found this ancient Roman Tweet on 2000 year old Twitter account that belonged to one Marcus Lupus Esq, we were flabbergasted. Not my words, mind you, Professor Tilly-Pimkin said "I am flabbergasted!" and he should know.

  Consider this. Everyone knows that Romans tweeted in Latin. All of Marcus Lupus's twits are in Latin. By the way, so far we excavated about 1700 of his tweets. All in Latin, all can't be read without Google Translate. However, this particular Tweet was in English. Tilly-Pimkin's theory so far is as follows. Since English in its modern form did not exist 2000 years, professor thinks that we actually all dead and this is the Digital Archeologist's version of Hell.

  "That's the only explanation, my boy!" he shouts with delight and then he starts looking behind things trying to catch Space Squirrels. Ohh, sorry. I forgot to add that Tilly-Pimkin is Space Squirrelogist. Church of Space Squirrels is based in Monte-Carlo. Not Monte-Carlo, France but Monte-Carlo, North Dakota. From what I read on Wikipedia they believe that Space Squirrels affect our lives in ambivalent ways and before we do anything we have to check behind furniture to see if they hiding there. If Space Squirrels are there than you go to the Church website, donate $50 and they email you a digital code. 56 digits. You have to memorize it, type it backwards on your sister's laptop and that, apparently, is the proper way to exorcise Space Squirrels. Also, if you do not have a sister you have to pay double. On the other hand if you have two sisters you get a discount.

  But I digress. I often do. Now being a Scientist, I always thought that 'We are dead and this is Hell' is a valid hypothesis but one that should be explored only after you ran out of other explanations. Here is list of much more realistic explanations for the phenomena:

  1. Marcus Lupus invented Modern English. If Grammarnazis would learn that English was invented 1600 years before Shakespeare they would commit mass suicide or at very least stop laying claim to 78 percent of University Funding. Either way true science wins.

  2. Time Travelers from the Future went back to Rome, typed the tweet in English when Marcus was not looking, and then came back, presumably, to the Future again. Not sure why they'll do that, probably something to do with creating Time Paradoxes that Time Travelers from Even Further Future can
fix.

  3. An unknown disease, possibly of Extraterrestrial nature that gives people a sneaky knowledge of Latin. So you read something and think "Well, that's a limerick about a Fellow from Nantucket" but in reality it is in Latin and a Goulash Recipe.

  4. Somebody hacked into Faculty Servers and is playing a sophomoric joke on all of us.

  At close consideration, that last theory is actually the weakest of all. Our servers are well protected. Teenage kid from IT Department, the one with thick glasses and Red Hat Tattoo, assured Professor Tilly-Pimkin that our systems are "Yeah, like totally fine". Actually, a rather commendable young man. He always shows great interest in our research and laughs at all my levities. I think he'll go far.

  Anyway, security of our servers is doubly assured by the fact that Professor Tilly-Pimkin personally disconnects Internet Connection from the servers before he leaves for his obligatory Church meetings. And when I say 'disconnects Internet Connection" I mean Professor hacks Ethernet Cables with Garden Shears. I think these Shears were given to professor by Archbishop of his Church, who happens to work at 'Home Depot'. At any rate we are very, very secure against any Hackers or Digital Malfeasants.

  So, to sum up. I will have to call DERPA or Pentagon or Department of Agriculture tomorrow, inform them of the grave threat (or, fingers crossed) threats facing this country and ask for funding and all the available resources to face this menace. We simply can't have Time Travelers create Time Paradoxes willy-nilly or unknown virus infecting taxpayers. Somebody has to take a stand. And if the funding goes through, hopefully it will be me.

  ***

  Samurai's Confessions. New Reality TV Show.

  'Once I saw a guy trying to commit harakiri because his girlfriend left him. Problem was, he was drunk so he tried to kill himself with a mouse pad. We laughed so hard we almost brought dishonor to our families. Word.